Self-Sabotage

Anyone who has struggled with weight knows the emotional and mental toll it can take. It becomes the one thing you focus on, and base your self-worth on. I try not to write too much about my weight or weight loss on my blog because I don't like to focus on it anymore than I already do. I have dealt with weight issues off and on for about 15 years. For most of 2011 I struggled with trying to get past a certain weight. I had weighed 10 lbs less the year before so I was extremely frustrated that I couldn't get back there.

I tried everything; I got a Body Bugg, I did daily doubles, I started strength training, I counted calories, I weighed and measured everything I ate, etc. It got to the point where I wouldn't even weigh myself because I knew what it would say and it would make me feel bad about myself. Despite all of the good things in my life, and all of the great things I am accomplishing, one stupid number would ruin my day.

At the end of the year I started thinking about what I could be doing wrong. In recent years I had success in losing a good amount of weight twice (35 lbs in 9 months in 2008, 25 lbs in 5 months in 2010). So what was different this time?

I realized I was sabotaging myself. The last two times I had lost weight, I was very dedicated and disciplined. I new what my goal was and what it would take to get there. This time, I was giving in to temptations whenever they came up, thinking I'll work it off later. I would have 3-4 good days, and then I would cheat in a big way. So I would spend the next 3-4 days burning off those calories, and then I would do it again. It was a hard cycle to break.

I decided I would give myself 30 days to change my life. Kind of cheesy, I know. But struggling with this issue took up so much of my year, I didn't want it to happen in 2012. I made guidelines I would have to follow strictly (I do well with rules). No cheating, no excuses, no exceptions. The thought of only having to do it for 30 days made it seem easier than having to do it forever. I secretly hoped the changes would stick past 30 days, but at the time I just told myself, get through these 30 days and take it from there.

So for 30 days I did everything I had promised myself I would. The changes in the way I felt and looked were so immediate and drastic, I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to how I was. I have never had such dramatic results on any other diet or exercise plan.

On January 3rd I took my weight and measurements, and would not let myself weigh again until my month was over. Today, February 4th, I weigh exactly 13 lbs less. I lost 1.75" in my waist, 1.25" in my thigh, 1.25" in my upper arm, and .75" in my chest. My weight has not been this low since Halloween 2010. I can't even believe all it took was one month to get back here. After a whole year of futility.

I am angry that I sabotaged myself for so long. But I am happy that I finally realized it and found a way to deal with it. I owe it to myself to eat well and train well and treat my body well, and not give in to things that will just make me feel guilty or bad about myself later. Everyone deserves that!